im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
