Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
