Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
God, I missed his penis.
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