Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
