If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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