Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
