Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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