My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
