My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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