One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My bed smells like the plague
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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