I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
