the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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