I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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