all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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