i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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