Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
