So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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