Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
