Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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