I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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