yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize