So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
