there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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