I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
