But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
