The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
