remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
