My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
is wine microwaveable?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
