...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
