you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
