Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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