I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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