help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
