I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
