Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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