so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
