Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
