Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
