dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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