I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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