Just fell off a train. Bad.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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