my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
