Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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