i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
