tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
