I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
