I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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