don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
