I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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