I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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