the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
