I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
