Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
