Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
