Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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