You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
