dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize